Some of us are reading through C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves this summer for the Chi Alpha Summer Reading Project. Every other week I’ll post some reflections on the readings.
I have written about this chapter once before, back in 2018. My remarks here are fresh (although the opening section is very similar).
YouTube has something amazing in relation to this week’s reading: a 1957 recording of C. S. Lewis himself giving the lecture upon which this chapter is based. I’ve embedded the video, and you can read the transcript as well. You should at least listen to a few minutes if you’ve never heard the voice of Lewis before.
The channel hosting this video is worth checking out. It’s called CSLewisDoodle and it “doodles selected essays by C.S. Lewis in order to make them easier to understand.” It’s got doodled treatments of Mere Christianity, The Screwtape Letters, and more. Consider subscribing to it.
On to affection. Lewis is discussing the type of love described by the Greek word storge (στοργή), a love which we describe using the words affection or fondness.
The word storge does not appear directly in the New Testament, although it does appear as a root of other words. In both Romans 1:31 and 2nd Timothy 3:3 the word astorgos (ἄστοργος) is rendered by various translations as “heartless” or “unloving” or “without natural affection.” And in Romans 12:10 we find the word philostorgos (φιλόστοργος) which means “devoted”.
I provide this linguistic data merely by way of background. It doesn’t affect Lewis’ discussion of affection except to explain why he’s not quoting a bunch of Bible verses.
There is one section in this chapter that always strikes me:
If people are already unlovable a continual demand on their part (as of right) to be loved—their manifest sense of injury, their reproaches, whether loud and clamorous or merely implicit in every look and gesture of resentful self-pity—produce in us a sense of guilt (they are intended to do so) for a fault we could not have avoided and cannot cease to commit. They seal up the very fountain for which they are thirsty. If ever, at some favoured moment, any germ of Affection for them stirs in us, their demand for more and still more petrifies us again.
What an arresting phrase: “they seal up the very fountain for which they are thirsty.”
I once had a cat who became so obese that he could no longer lick himself clean. And so for a season he stank. Wherever he went, the smell of an outhouse followed him. And yet he was desperate for affection. He would approach people to receive pats and his stench would drive them away.
And here is where the story becomes fascinating: in his sadness he developed the habit of sleeping in his litter box. I was amazed: the poor creature had found a way to make his stench even worse. His habits made his desires unattainable.
I am pleased to report that eventually his behavior changed, he lost weight, his stench decreased, and he received affection. He became much happier.
I have met people who do the equivalent of sleeping in their litter box. They live odious lives. In the most extreme cases they undermine their friendships and are baffled that they find themselves alone. In the passage excerpted above Lewis talks about people who are so needy it is repellent, and that is one way we can carry a stench around with us but it is hardly the only one. There are many milder cases. Consider a young woman who is unwilling to be vulnerable beyond a certain point and is surprised that her friendships lack depth. Or consider a young man unwilling to risk rejection who is then disappointed that his friendships never blossom into romance. Or picture someone who comes late to church and leaves early and is frustrated that they lack community. In each case, they “seal up the very fountain for which they are thirsty.”
Take a moment to evaluate your relationships. Is there an absence of affection or camaraderie which frustrates you? It may simply be that you haven’t found your people yet (and Lewis will talk more about friendship in the next chapter). But it is also possible that you are doing the equivalent of sleeping in your litter box.
If you are frustrated that you are not experiencing the affection you desire, spend some time in prayerful contemplation and ask God to reveal any self-limiting habits you have developed and to guide you into better habits. Your now is not your forever — my cat changed and so can we.
And if you haven’t already, read the “affection” chapter in The Four Loves and watch the Lewis doodle video above — they may provide you with some insight.
