The Four Loves: Affection

The Four Loves by CS Lewis

Some of us are reading through C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves this summer for the Chi Alpha Summer Reading Project. Every other week I’ll post some reflections on the readings. 

I have written about this chapter once before, back in 2018. My remarks here are fresh (although the opening section is very similar). 

YouTube has something amazing in relation to this week’s reading: a 1957 recording of C. S. Lewis himself giving the lecture upon which this chapter is based. I’ve embedded the video, and you can read the transcript as well. You should at least listen to a few minutes if you’ve never heard the voice of Lewis before.

The channel hosting this video is worth checking out. It’s called CSLewisDoodle and it “doodles selected essays by C.S. Lewis in order to make them easier to understand.” It’s got doodled treatments of Mere Christianity, The Screwtape Letters, and more. Consider subscribing to it.

On to affection. Lewis is discussing the type of love described by the Greek word storge (στοργή), a love which we describe using the words affection or fondness. 

The word storge does not appear directly in the New Testament, although it does appear as a root of other words. In both Romans 1:31 and 2nd Timothy 3:3 the word astorgos (ἄστοργος) is rendered by various translations as “heartless” or “unloving” or “without natural affection.” And in Romans 12:10 we find the word philostorgos (φιλόστοργος) which means “devoted”.

I provide this linguistic data merely by way of background. It doesn’t affect Lewis’ discussion of affection except to explain why he’s not quoting a bunch of Bible verses.

There is one section in this chapter that always strikes me:

If people are already unlovable a continual demand on their part (as of right) to be loved—their manifest sense of injury, their reproaches, whether loud and clamorous or merely implicit in every look and gesture of resentful self-pity—produce in us a sense of guilt (they are intended to do so) for a fault we could not have avoided and cannot cease to commit. They seal up the very fountain for which they are thirsty. If ever, at some favoured moment, any germ of Affection for them stirs in us, their demand for more and still more petrifies us again.

What an arresting phrase: “they seal up the very fountain for which they are thirsty.”

I once had a cat who became so obese that he could no longer lick himself clean. And so for a season he stank. Wherever he went, the smell of an outhouse followed him. And yet he was desperate for affection. He would approach people to receive pats and his stench would drive them away. 

And here is where the story becomes fascinating: in his sadness he developed the habit of sleeping in his litter box. I was amazed: the poor creature had found a way to make his stench even worse. His habits made his desires unattainable.

I am pleased to report that eventually his behavior changed, he lost weight, his stench decreased, and he received affection. He became much happier. 

I have met people who do the equivalent of sleeping in their litter box. They live odious lives. In the most extreme cases they undermine their friendships and are baffled that they find themselves alone. In the passage excerpted above Lewis talks about people who are so needy it is repellent, and that is one way we can carry a stench around with us but it is hardly the only one. There are many milder cases. Consider a young woman who is unwilling to be vulnerable beyond a certain point and is surprised that her friendships lack depth. Or consider a young man unwilling to risk rejection who is then disappointed that his friendships never blossom into romance. Or picture someone who comes late to church and leaves early and is frustrated that they lack community. In each case, they “seal up the very fountain for which they are thirsty.”

Take a moment to evaluate your relationships. Is there an absence of affection or camaraderie which frustrates you? It may simply be that you haven’t found your people yet (and Lewis will talk more about friendship in the next chapter). But it is also possible that you are doing the equivalent of sleeping in your litter box.

If you are frustrated that you are not experiencing the affection you desire, spend some time in prayerful contemplation and ask God to reveal any self-limiting habits you have developed and to guide you into better habits. Your now is not your forever — my cat changed and so can we.

And if you haven’t already, read the “affection” chapter in The Four Loves and watch the Lewis doodle video above — they may provide you with some insight.

Things Glen Found Interesting, Volume 84

1 Chronicles 12:32 - they "understood the times"
1 Chronicles 12:32 — they “understood the times”

On Fridays I share articles/resources about broad cultural, societal and theological issues. Be sure to see the explanation and disclaimers at the bottom.

Things Glen Found Interesting

  1. The World’s Most Outstanding Medical Missionary (Sarah Eekhoff Zylstra, Christianity Today): the family of God frequently makes me proud.
  2. ‘Worst Year Yet’: The Top 50 Countries Where It’s Hardest To Be A Christian (Jeremy Weber, Christianity Today): “Persecution rose globally again for the third year in a row, indicating how volatile the situation has become,” stated Open Doors. “Countries in South and Southeast Asia rapidly rose to unprecedented levels and now rank among such violent areas as the Middle East and Sub-Saharan Africa.”
  3. When The Brain Scrambles Names, It’s Because You Love Them (Michelle Trudeau, NPR): This is my defense to you all. Also, I found this bit funny — in a family “you are much more likely to be [accidentally] called the dog’s name than you are to be called the cat’s name.”
  4. It’s inauguration day, so a lot of the articles relate to the newly sworn-in President. 
    • How To Live Under An Unqualified President (John Piper, Desiring God): this is good.
    • Trump Takes Jezreel (Douglas Wilson, personal blog): “Political factions want everything to be a simple binary choice on the human level. You either are all in for Jezebel or all in for Jehu. What Scripture invites us to is qualified support, or perhaps qualified disapproval. So and so was a good king, but did not remove the high places.”
    • The Church’s Integrity in the Trump Years (Mark Galli, Christianity Today): “Our main political task in this new administration is more urgent than ever… we can speak charitably to one another about our disagreements, taking the time to find out what each of us really believes and why.”
    • The Politics of Answered Prayer (Peter Leithart, First Things): sure to disquiet and/or offend.
    • A Bit Of Context on Trump, NATO, and Germany (Tyler Cowen, personal blog): “I strongly favor NATO and I don’t think you can trust the Russians with just about anything, or for that matter make much of a deal with them.” (this piece is not about the inauguration, but I found it very stimulating)
  5. Bonhoeffer On Why God Does Not Fill The Emptiness When A Loved One Dies (Justin Taylor, Gospel Coalition): “to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it.”
  6. Authoritarians Distract Rather than Debate (Alex Tabarrok, Marginal Revolution): “it has long been assumed that propaganda posts would support the government with praise or criticize critics of the government. Not so. In fact, propaganda posts actively steer away from controversial issues.”
  7. Men’s Breadwinning Still Matters For Marriage (Christos Makridis, Institute For Family Studies): yes, that’s our Christos. “The college-educated may embrace egalitarian ideals of family life, but their behavior is more complicated.”

Things Glen Found Amusing

Why Do You Send This Email?

In the time of King David, the tribe of Issachar produced shrewd warriors “who understood the times and knew what Israel should do” (1 Chron 12:32). In a similar way, we need to become wise people whose faith interacts with the world. I pray this email gives you greater insight, so that you may continue the tradition of Issachar.

Disclaimer

Chi Alpha is not a partisan organization. To paraphrase another minister: we are not about the donkey’s agenda and we are not about the elephant’s agenda — we are about the Lamb’s agenda. Having said that, I read widely (in part because I believe we should aspire to pass the ideological Turing test and in part because I do not believe I can fairly say “I agree” or “I disagree” until I can say “I understand”) and may at times share articles that have a strong partisan bias simply because I find the article stimulating. The upshot: you should not assume I agree with everything an author says in an article I mention, much less things the author has said in other articles (although if I strongly disagree with something in the article I’ll usually mention it).

Also, remember that I’m not reporting news — I’m giving you a selection of things I found interesting. There’s a lot happening in the world that’s not making an appearance here because I haven’t found stimulating articles written about it.

Archives at http://glenandpaula.com/wordpress/category/links.