Evil Raccoons and Mendacious Students

A few weeks ago, Whit­ney showed up to Chi Alpha’s week­ly meet­ing with a large ban­dage wrapped around her hand. I asked her what had hap­pened, and she told me of a fero­cious rac­coon attack while walk­ing along Lake Lagu­ni­ta.

This was not sur­pris­ing to me. Rac­coons are evil. All right-think­ing peo­ple know this in their mar­row.

Sure, they look cute with their lit­tle paws and their masked face, but even Satan seems to be a beau­ti­ful angel

. No — rac­coons are as evil as a sub­hu­man mam­mal can be. And giv­en that rac­coons roam freely

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across cam­pus, some­thing like this was inevitable.

Real­iz­ing that I was sit­ting on enter­tain­ment gold, I asked Whit­ney to keep silent until the announce­ment time, when I would inter­view her and allow her to regale the entire group with her sto­ry.

After wor­ship, I called her to the front and asked her what had hap­pened. As she held her ban­daged hand high and said, “I was bit­ten by a rac­coon,” Desir­ae cried out, “I knew those things were dan­ger­ous!” A hush fell over the room as she began to tell her tale.

She and her room­mate had been walk­ing around Lake Lag when Whit­ney noticed a rac­coon mov­ing about in the bush­es. She turned to her room­mate to point it out and saw a flur­ry of motion out of the cor­ner of her eye. The next thing she knew, she was being lunged at by an appar­ent­ly car­niv­o­rous rac­coon. She fend­ed it off, suf­fer­ing a griev­ous hand wound in the process.

Her room­mate, a pre-med stu­dent, gave her some quick treat­ment and then she head­ed over to Vaden health cen­ter for fur­ther med­ica­tion.

At this point, you could have heard a pin drop in the Chi Alpha meet­ing. Every stu­dent there was think­ing of the many times they had seen rac­coons ram­bling across cam­pus, look­ing at Whit­ney’s ban­daged hand, and think­ing, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

At least until Whit­ney burst out laugh­ing and said, “And you believe me?”

I said, “Bwah?”

Whit­ney said, “I was mak­ing that up. I tripped and hurt my hand. My room­mate said that was too bor­ing and that I should make up a bet­ter sto­ry. So far every­one I’ve told has believed me.”

The room erupt­ed in laugh­ter.

For those keep­ing score:
Whit­ney: 1
Glen: 0
Rac­coons: neg­a­tive infin­i­ty

And that’s why peo­ple should always come to Chi Alpha in per­son rather than just watch­ing our meet­ings online — you nev­er know what’s going to hap­pen when the cam­er­a’s not run­ning.

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