Some of us are reading through C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves this summer for the Chi Alpha Summer Reading Project. Every other week I’ll post some reflections on the readings.
First, I should mention that I was supposed to post this last week but got distracted by some travel and lost my sense of which week it was.
Second, I should mention that I posted some thoughts on this chapter back in 2018 on a previous summer read-through. My observations here are slightly different, so consider checking out that previous post (which includes a humorous video).
Today we’re going to look at Lewis’s thoughts on friendship (philia / φιλία). This chapter is full of wisdom, and it also includes some thoughts that might push you a bit. If you haven’t read it (or if you did and are hungry for more), the C. S. Lewis Doodle channel has Lewis giving the lecture upon which this chapter is based. The transcript of his speech is also available.
With the preamble out of the way, here are some thoughts from this reading:
Some of the most striking insights in this chapter revolve around the unique nature of friendship. Unlike other forms of love, friendship is completely optional and inherently centered on common interests. As Lewis says:
Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one.’
It can be almost anything that triggers a friendship: a hobby, a fandom, a shared experience, or even a shared annoyance. Moving from acquaintanceship to friendship usually requires discovering some commonality. Grasping this explains why some people struggle to make friends (as opposed to companions):
That is why those pathetic people who simply“want friends” can never make any. The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be “I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a Friend,” no Friendship can arise though Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers.
And so if you struggle with forging friendships, find something you care about and look for someone who also cares about that thing.
This suggests that if you are part of Chi Alpha at Stanford, then you’re well-poised to develop great friends. You’ve already got your faith in common, and on top of that you both have the experience of being a student at Stanford, and in addition you have the experience of Chi Alpha. That may already be enough to trigger a friendship, and if you add to that mix even just one more thing like a certain sport or a specific fandom or a shared sense of humor then the potential for a significant friendship is quite high.
There are, however, barriers. Lewis at one point observes that if the world ever makes “privacy and unplanned leisure impossible” then we will create a world “where all are Companions and none are Friends.”
That is a keen insight, and it leads me to make this sorrowful observation: Stanford students, you are playing on hard mode. The way we use our phones makes moments of true privacy harder and harder to find (social media is often a blight, and the way some of you share your locations with each other is a source of much needless drama), and the typical Stanford schedule means that unplanned leisure is often nothing more than a dream. If you want to deepen your friendships, rebel against the tyranny of your phone and also against the insane demands Stanford culture puts upon your time.
Despite these challenges, be encouraged! As Lewis reminds us:
…we think we have chosen our peers. In reality, a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another, posting to different regiments, the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends “You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.”
So if you lack friendships, pray that God opens your eyes to see that potential friends are already around you, and further pray that He blesses you with self-awareness and wisdom as you build those relationships.
And if you have friends, thank God for them and be careful to continue cultivating those relationships.
In either case, slow down (create space for unplanned leisure) and try to relate to your phones and social media in such a way that you’ve got moments of privacy.